Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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