when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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