This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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