Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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