Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
ugly people sure do ruin things
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
