Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
