This is not my ceiling
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
