that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
