Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
