i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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