I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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