Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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