Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
