Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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