youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
