It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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