My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
