I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think i got beer on your cat.
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