Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
