I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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