wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
