i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just had sex on a roof
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
