it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
