You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
