i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
