I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We had to coat check the pizza.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
