I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
