Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
