Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
