none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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