are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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