Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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