when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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