I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
