haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm too high and old for this...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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