I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
