I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...