I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You're completely useless in the revolution.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am midnight drunk by noon
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
