There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
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Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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