my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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