You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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