I think I died a long time ago.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So vagazzling was a success
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
