I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
