Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
