I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
