WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
