yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
