Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.