I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can't put those talents on a resume
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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