ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
