if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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