I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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