and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
