im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
