Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
