i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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